Ho, ho, ho….Who you calling a whore?

Merry fucking Xmas and Happy Hanukkah to my fellow Chosen People! ‘Tis the season for my Top 10 List of Stuff I really really really want this holiday, orders of Editorial Empress Jason. So here goes:

1. Another 14-inch All-Clad fry pan. Yes, I have one already and Jesus Fucking Christ, does it rattle and clang against the other beauties in the drawer but the bottom line is that cooking for a crowd is easier with a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig pan and this one is the best. And, I’m having a latke party in a few weeks and with 2 of these bad girls on da stove, I will be in potato pancake heaven.

2. BIG JEWELRY. Enough said. Maybe this necklace from Kirna Zabete. Note to Jason: OK, it’s not food or a sex toy but dammit, I want it and it’s my list, right?

3. OXO mixing bowls with spout pours and weighted bottoms. Of course, my bottom is weighted too this time of year, but I used my last set to death and now am coveting another. Don’t underestimate a weighted bottom – keeps whatever you’ve got in the bowls from skittering all over the counter!

4. Why isn’t OXO blowing me? Another goodie…the OXO expandable colander. I have a huuuuuuuuuuge sink and none of the others are big enough. This one looks like it can satisfy even a size queen like me!

5. JimmyJane Form II. One of the cutest lil’ vibrators I’ve ever seen and super small for travel, because I am sure my girlfriend H. is taking me on a deluxe surprise vacation away from the kids and kitchen and I want to pack light…

6. Ina (horrible name – reminds of how we used to rhyme Orangina with “vagina” whenever we ordered it to see if we could make the waiter squirm, but then again, didn’t EVERYONE do that?) G-spot and clit action vibrator because, let’s face it, I am taking that deluxe surprise vacation myself, as someone has to stay home with the damn kids and the dog and with dual action like this, I won’t be bored!

7. Votivo teak candles. I love this scent. I love it in any room in the house, including the kitchen where you don’t want anything too overpowering. Not too pussy, not to masculine, just DELISH! And I’m almost out of my stash so I need to stock up.

8. Anything from Meduriworlddelights.com. And I mean, anything. I always get so excited when the NYTimes does its mail-order food article each year – the one where some lucky editor gets to send away for butter cookies from Ireland, etc. EVERY FUCKING YEAR, someone waxes poetic about the dried fruits from Meduri. So I want some, pronto! It all looks gorgeous and I will make the Jeweled Rice recipe that Martha Frankel gave me and everyone will go berserk.

9. Savory Baking, new cookbook. I’m more of a salty person, and the only thing that would make me happier is if they gave away an Ina with every copy!

10. Lucky Chocolates. Preferably, the salted caramel pecan Turtles that are obscenely huge and really meant to share but I usually find a way to snarf down a whole one and then wander around slightly nauseous all day. And owner Rae Stang just opened her new, larger shop in Saugerties, so stop by and tell her Abbe sent you because then I can really suck up to Rae and get lots of freebies. When my now-10-year-old son was a baby, his face would light up and he’d say “Chocits!” whenever he got a taste. Fucking adorable and flush with pleasure. That’s how I get about Lucky’s (especially the adorable part.)

So, Dearest Ones, enjoy enjoy enjoy! As Santa likes to say to the good little children, “Merry Christmas to all and you can get your silly neurotic asses back in the gym and toss the elastic waist pants after January 1^st."

Today I’m completely focused on eggs – poached eggs, which I love and adore and consider to be one of the best comfort foods as well as the perfect food accessory for other dishes (like what?….hmmm….sort of like when Joan on “Mad Men” wears a broach and on one hand, you think, “Well, she’s already got on earrings and a necklace so why add the broach?” but then you realize, damn, it’s too much in the best possible way. That’s how poached eggs work as eggsexsories. More on that in a minute.)

Now, poached eggs are perfectly palatable when you freebase them and just crack ‘em open in the boiling water and let ‘em go. But for me, as I watch them cook away, swirling in the open water, it always reminds of jizz, which then reminds me of that horrid sex scene in “Show Girls” when Kyle MacG And Elizabeth Thing are fucking in his pool, with the pink neon palm trees in the background (not to go off on too many tangents, but of course that makes me think that all of the foundation Kyle’s wearing in that movie will surely come off in the water and then what? But I digress.

So while poached eggs cooked directly in boiling water isn’t bad, there IS a better way to cook them, and that would be: egg poaching pods!

I got my most recent pair from Crate & Barrel.


Here’s why they are great. First, they are silicone, and I am very partial to all things rubber. I love the flexibility of them and they also clean up nicely in the douchewasher.  Second, by using them to poach eggs, you get all of that nice egg white which otherwise would jizz away in the water and Third, since the pod cradles the egg when you are done poaching, you can pour off any excess liquid, because who like watery eggs?

Here are my tips for great pod-poached eggs over toast (so basic but sooooo good) and then I’m giving you a link for the HAND’S DOWN best recipe to incorporate poached eggs into an asparagus side dish, from Momofuku in Manhattan. 

Basics:

• When poaching eggs, TAKE THE DAMN BUTTER AND ANY OTHER CONDIMENTS NEEDED OUT OF THE FRIDGE FIRST AND LET THEM COME TO ROOM TEMP! I like my poached eggs over buttered toast with hot sauce on top and let me tell you, nothing throws cold water on my boner like cold butter or cold hot sauce. Room temp, people! So that means, take out those condiments (or whatever turns you on) about ½ hour in advance. 
• Lube up the pods with a little olive oil or even that gross Pam shit. It makes the eggs slide off the pods easier.
• The literature that comes with the pods says to cook for about 4 minutes. That’s about 2 minute too long for me. My rule of thumb is to start poaching in the pods when I hit “toast” on the toaster. When my toast is ready, so are my eggs.

Now, prepare yourself because this recipe for Roasted Asparagus with Poached Eggs and Miso Butter is so good, you will moan with pleasure. You will. NO ONE I’ve ever served this dish has been able to resist it. And most people stick a piece of baguette or a slice of steak or their fucking finger right into the miso butter to sop up all the yumminess and the key factor to this asparagus nirvana is, in fact, the poached eggs. The recipe calls for 2 poached eggs on top of the asparagus and I always make 3 or 4 but then again, I’m a dirty whore who just can’t get enough. 

Next stop: “You promised you wouldn’t come in my mouth” and other sticky stories…non-stick pans, the REAL deal!

Abbe is our new Food and Gadgetry columnist. She's got a mouth like a sailor and knows her way around a kitchen.

I am completely thrilled to be the new flavor of the week on The Rural Modernist – I feel like a special guest drop-in on Match Game or maybe I just want to be Brett Somers to Jason’s Charles Nelson Reilly.

So….sexed up cooking or cooked up sex. All related in my mind. I came to cooking later in the game. My ex-husband of many years was a good, even a great cook (although he never salted anything enough and don’t even get me started about the time he made the pasta with homemade veal sauce. DE-FUCKING-LISH and we all howled with pleasure and then he never made it again, no matter how much I begged). And I was a fabulous hostess, so we were a good team.

Jump ahead 16 years. Happily divorced and living upstate with my girlfriend in what was my vacation house. Here’s a bit of background for those of you outside the New York metro area: NO ETHNIC FOOD DELIVERY; barely any take out. Burmese at 1 a.m.? Ha ha. You wanna eat it, you gotta cook it. So I began. And dammit, I’m a great fucking cook.

My kitchen was pretty well stocked courtesy of the ex-, but as I’ve expanded my repertoire, I’ve added many new toys in to the mix. Cue Jason: “Hey Abbe, write a fun and ribald food post for me.” Food and sex are two of my very favorite things and if I’m not doing one, I’m thinking about the other. Away we go!

The Bamix Deluxe White 39120 Hand Mixer

(the Hitachi Magic Wand of kitchen tools)

Let me give credit where credit is due. My lovely girlfriend H. said to me, as I was about to hit “click” on the Cuisinart hand blender, “There’s a Swiss blender that is supposed to be the best.” Kitchengadgetry.com had it in stock, I placed the order and sort of forgot about it (unless I was making whipped cream. Then I said, “For fuck’s sake, when is that goddamn thing going to arrive?!”

It came last week – holy mother of God, was it worth the $140!

First, it really is about the size of large vibrator and much much MUCH more quiet! Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about because I KNOW that you do! It has teensy teensy tiny itsey attachments (3) that whip, puree, blend, mix the shit out of everything – cake batters, soups, creams, dough. And it comes with a chopping bowl for doing nuts and herbs. I haven’t used that yet because I sort of prefer the handjob method for nuts and herbs. I love it so much that I’m even considering a permanent mounting (a perfect word) for it on the wall in my prep area over the kitchen counter. That’s how much I love it. I’m seeking out things to whip, puree, blend, mix!

I’m going to give you my latest and greatest recipe with it – Thai-Spiced Pork Tenderloin with Orange Curry Sauce. It's a recipe that I would otherwise NEVER make because it calls for you to puree and then strain the sauce – two steps for just the sauce – nevermind the marinade. But the recipe looked totally yummy and we all have a boner for any Thai-style cooking we can get here in the boonies.

I made the marinade for the pork and left Miss Tenderloin to lounge around in the baggie of marinade overnight so she was extra tasty! Use a baggie, not a baking dish. A baggie allows the marinade to really cover the meat and you can roll it up and keep it in the corner of the fridge for up to 2 days if you want to get really really good and marinaded!

Then, I made the sauce up to the Puree part – at that point, I just pulled the pot off of the stove, cooled it down and used my Bamix to blend the whole thing. No straining and the Bamix pureed the sauce to such a fine and gorgeous consistency that it was thick and juicy enough without adding the butter (which of course I did anyway because why would you want to skip the butter?)

We ate it last night. I served it over basmati rice with sesame oil sautéed suger snap peas, with black sesames on top for good measure. Fucking tasty tasty tasty!

Now, back to the Hitachi Magic Wand. I think it’s called the Cadillac of vibrators and whomever named it knows of what they speak. But it has a cord, which is a bummer if you want to, how you say, travel with it. You know, sometimes a girl likes to move around a lil’ bit. So, I’m recommending the Acuvibe CORDLESS vibrator. Truly the last word!

OK, kids, let me know you make out – in pork and getting porked.

Next time – silicon egg poachers make great pasties….