Poached Eggs made easy (and a little dirty)

Today I’m completely focused on eggs – poached eggs, which I love and adore and consider to be one of the best comfort foods as well as the perfect food accessory for other dishes (like what?….hmmm….sort of like when Joan on “Mad Men” wears a broach and on one hand, you think, “Well, she’s already got on earrings and a necklace so why add the broach?” but then you realize, damn, it’s too much in the best possible way. That’s how poached eggs work as eggsexsories. More on that in a minute.)

Now, poached eggs are perfectly palatable when you freebase them and just crack ‘em open in the boiling water and let ‘em go. But for me, as I watch them cook away, swirling in the open water, it always reminds of jizz, which then reminds me of that horrid sex scene in “Show Girls” when Kyle MacG And Elizabeth Thing are fucking in his pool, with the pink neon palm trees in the background (not to go off on too many tangents, but of course that makes me think that all of the foundation Kyle’s wearing in that movie will surely come off in the water and then what? But I digress.

So while poached eggs cooked directly in boiling water isn’t bad, there IS a better way to cook them, and that would be: egg poaching pods!

I got my most recent pair from Crate & Barrel.


Here’s why they are great. First, they are silicone, and I am very partial to all things rubber. I love the flexibility of them and they also clean up nicely in the douchewasher.  Second, by using them to poach eggs, you get all of that nice egg white which otherwise would jizz away in the water and Third, since the pod cradles the egg when you are done poaching, you can pour off any excess liquid, because who like watery eggs?

Here are my tips for great pod-poached eggs over toast (so basic but sooooo good) and then I’m giving you a link for the HAND’S DOWN best recipe to incorporate poached eggs into an asparagus side dish, from Momofuku in Manhattan. 

Basics:

• When poaching eggs, TAKE THE DAMN BUTTER AND ANY OTHER CONDIMENTS NEEDED OUT OF THE FRIDGE FIRST AND LET THEM COME TO ROOM TEMP! I like my poached eggs over buttered toast with hot sauce on top and let me tell you, nothing throws cold water on my boner like cold butter or cold hot sauce. Room temp, people! So that means, take out those condiments (or whatever turns you on) about ½ hour in advance. 
• Lube up the pods with a little olive oil or even that gross Pam shit. It makes the eggs slide off the pods easier.
• The literature that comes with the pods says to cook for about 4 minutes. That’s about 2 minute too long for me. My rule of thumb is to start poaching in the pods when I hit “toast” on the toaster. When my toast is ready, so are my eggs.

Now, prepare yourself because this recipe for Roasted Asparagus with Poached Eggs and Miso Butter is so good, you will moan with pleasure. You will. NO ONE I’ve ever served this dish has been able to resist it. And most people stick a piece of baguette or a slice of steak or their fucking finger right into the miso butter to sop up all the yumminess and the key factor to this asparagus nirvana is, in fact, the poached eggs. The recipe calls for 2 poached eggs on top of the asparagus and I always make 3 or 4 but then again, I’m a dirty whore who just can’t get enough. 

Next stop: “You promised you wouldn’t come in my mouth” and other sticky stories…non-stick pans, the REAL deal!

Abbe is our new Food and Gadgetry columnist. She's got a mouth like a sailor and knows her way around a kitchen.