Introducing our new Food and Gadgetry columnist: she's got a mouth like a sailor and knows her way around the kitchen

I am completely thrilled to be the new flavor of the week on The Rural Modernist – I feel like a special guest drop-in on Match Game or maybe I just want to be Brett Somers to Jason’s Charles Nelson Reilly.

So….sexed up cooking or cooked up sex. All related in my mind. I came to cooking later in the game. My ex-husband of many years was a good, even a great cook (although he never salted anything enough and don’t even get me started about the time he made the pasta with homemade veal sauce. DE-FUCKING-LISH and we all howled with pleasure and then he never made it again, no matter how much I begged). And I was a fabulous hostess, so we were a good team.

Jump ahead 16 years. Happily divorced and living upstate with my girlfriend in what was my vacation house. Here’s a bit of background for those of you outside the New York metro area: NO ETHNIC FOOD DELIVERY; barely any take out. Burmese at 1 a.m.? Ha ha. You wanna eat it, you gotta cook it. So I began. And dammit, I’m a great fucking cook.

My kitchen was pretty well stocked courtesy of the ex-, but as I’ve expanded my repertoire, I’ve added many new toys in to the mix. Cue Jason: “Hey Abbe, write a fun and ribald food post for me.” Food and sex are two of my very favorite things and if I’m not doing one, I’m thinking about the other. Away we go!

The Bamix Deluxe White 39120 Hand Mixer

(the Hitachi Magic Wand of kitchen tools)

Let me give credit where credit is due. My lovely girlfriend H. said to me, as I was about to hit “click” on the Cuisinart hand blender, “There’s a Swiss blender that is supposed to be the best.” Kitchengadgetry.com had it in stock, I placed the order and sort of forgot about it (unless I was making whipped cream. Then I said, “For fuck’s sake, when is that goddamn thing going to arrive?!”

It came last week – holy mother of God, was it worth the $140!

First, it really is about the size of large vibrator and much much MUCH more quiet! Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about because I KNOW that you do! It has teensy teensy tiny itsey attachments (3) that whip, puree, blend, mix the shit out of everything – cake batters, soups, creams, dough. And it comes with a chopping bowl for doing nuts and herbs. I haven’t used that yet because I sort of prefer the handjob method for nuts and herbs. I love it so much that I’m even considering a permanent mounting (a perfect word) for it on the wall in my prep area over the kitchen counter. That’s how much I love it. I’m seeking out things to whip, puree, blend, mix!

I’m going to give you my latest and greatest recipe with it – Thai-Spiced Pork Tenderloin with Orange Curry Sauce. It's a recipe that I would otherwise NEVER make because it calls for you to puree and then strain the sauce – two steps for just the sauce – nevermind the marinade. But the recipe looked totally yummy and we all have a boner for any Thai-style cooking we can get here in the boonies.

I made the marinade for the pork and left Miss Tenderloin to lounge around in the baggie of marinade overnight so she was extra tasty! Use a baggie, not a baking dish. A baggie allows the marinade to really cover the meat and you can roll it up and keep it in the corner of the fridge for up to 2 days if you want to get really really good and marinaded!

Then, I made the sauce up to the Puree part – at that point, I just pulled the pot off of the stove, cooled it down and used my Bamix to blend the whole thing. No straining and the Bamix pureed the sauce to such a fine and gorgeous consistency that it was thick and juicy enough without adding the butter (which of course I did anyway because why would you want to skip the butter?)

We ate it last night. I served it over basmati rice with sesame oil sautéed suger snap peas, with black sesames on top for good measure. Fucking tasty tasty tasty!

Now, back to the Hitachi Magic Wand. I think it’s called the Cadillac of vibrators and whomever named it knows of what they speak. But it has a cord, which is a bummer if you want to, how you say, travel with it. You know, sometimes a girl likes to move around a lil’ bit. So, I’m recommending the Acuvibe CORDLESS vibrator. Truly the last word!

OK, kids, let me know you make out – in pork and getting porked.

Next time – silicon egg poachers make great pasties….