The Rural Modernist Holiday Wish List: Abbe's Top 10

Ho, ho, ho….Who you calling a whore?

Merry fucking Xmas and Happy Hanukkah to my fellow Chosen People! ‘Tis the season for my Top 10 List of Stuff I really really really want this holiday, orders of Editorial Empress Jason. So here goes:

1. Another 14-inch All-Clad fry pan. Yes, I have one already and Jesus Fucking Christ, does it rattle and clang against the other beauties in the drawer but the bottom line is that cooking for a crowd is easier with a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig pan and this one is the best. And, I’m having a latke party in a few weeks and with 2 of these bad girls on da stove, I will be in potato pancake heaven.

2. BIG JEWELRY. Enough said. Maybe this necklace from Kirna Zabete. Note to Jason: OK, it’s not food or a sex toy but dammit, I want it and it’s my list, right?

3. OXO mixing bowls with spout pours and weighted bottoms. Of course, my bottom is weighted too this time of year, but I used my last set to death and now am coveting another. Don’t underestimate a weighted bottom – keeps whatever you’ve got in the bowls from skittering all over the counter!

4. Why isn’t OXO blowing me? Another goodie…the OXO expandable colander. I have a huuuuuuuuuuge sink and none of the others are big enough. This one looks like it can satisfy even a size queen like me!

5. JimmyJane Form II. One of the cutest lil’ vibrators I’ve ever seen and super small for travel, because I am sure my girlfriend H. is taking me on a deluxe surprise vacation away from the kids and kitchen and I want to pack light…

6. Ina (horrible name – reminds of how we used to rhyme Orangina with “vagina” whenever we ordered it to see if we could make the waiter squirm, but then again, didn’t EVERYONE do that?) G-spot and clit action vibrator because, let’s face it, I am taking that deluxe surprise vacation myself, as someone has to stay home with the damn kids and the dog and with dual action like this, I won’t be bored!

7. Votivo teak candles. I love this scent. I love it in any room in the house, including the kitchen where you don’t want anything too overpowering. Not too pussy, not to masculine, just DELISH! And I’m almost out of my stash so I need to stock up.

8. Anything from Meduriworlddelights.com. And I mean, anything. I always get so excited when the NYTimes does its mail-order food article each year – the one where some lucky editor gets to send away for butter cookies from Ireland, etc. EVERY FUCKING YEAR, someone waxes poetic about the dried fruits from Meduri. So I want some, pronto! It all looks gorgeous and I will make the Jeweled Rice recipe that Martha Frankel gave me and everyone will go berserk.

9. Savory Baking, new cookbook. I’m more of a salty person, and the only thing that would make me happier is if they gave away an Ina with every copy!

10. Lucky Chocolates. Preferably, the salted caramel pecan Turtles that are obscenely huge and really meant to share but I usually find a way to snarf down a whole one and then wander around slightly nauseous all day. And owner Rae Stang just opened her new, larger shop in Saugerties, so stop by and tell her Abbe sent you because then I can really suck up to Rae and get lots of freebies. When my now-10-year-old son was a baby, his face would light up and he’d say “Chocits!” whenever he got a taste. Fucking adorable and flush with pleasure. That’s how I get about Lucky’s (especially the adorable part.)

So, Dearest Ones, enjoy enjoy enjoy! As Santa likes to say to the good little children, “Merry Christmas to all and you can get your silly neurotic asses back in the gym and toss the elastic waist pants after January 1^st."