There are so many times when I see furniture and home decor items that move me. And when they are sleek, stylish and really make an artistic statement by their mere presence, the first word that springs to mind for me is "sexy". Like a Tom Ford perfume ad, or the shape of a Gaultier corset. No matter what the context is, it's just plain sexy.

I have just discovered this line of furniture by Peter Rolfe (yeah, those Germans are pigs!) that takes "sexy" to a whole new level. When I first saw the photos, I thought instantly of that episode of Nip/Tuck where one of the doctors is caught having sex with his couch.

I am sure someone will have that same idea with this line. These carved and layered wooden pieces represent male and female ideal body forms and are made incredibly well. As a designer, I don't know who in the hell I would suggest these pieces for, but you can be damn sure I will at some point!

I only have a couple of issues with these pieces. First, the nipples on the female dressers should actually be functional. I would love nothing more than to pull on a nip and have my underwear drawer at my disposal. "Hey honey....can you get me some socks? They are in the left tit!" Secondly, the male pieces are NOT correct, and that truly bothers me. I'd like to have a place to hang my fine gold chains, maybe a hat stand, a ring holder, etc. Likewise, the female, if done correctly, could provide a secret storage space for fine jewels, etc.

Anatomically correct or not, they are incredibly beautiful. I'm just saying a dick wouldn't hurt.

PS: is it me, or did Rolfe model the lady parts on Madonna, circa 1979? I'd recognize those appendages anywhere.

Nobody wants another pair of scratchy wool socks or, God forbid, a Snuggie for Christmas. Give the gift of good taste to someone you love instead. Artisan’s cookbooks and lifestyle tomes tend to inspire conflict: They’re so beautifully designed you want to keep them pristine forever, but so useful you want to crack them open on a daily basis. The high-end division of Workman Publishing, Artisan collaborates with the world’s best chefs – not to mention top-notch photographers and designers – to create cookbooks that frequently win top honors from James Beard. Equally covetable are Artisan’s sophisticated art and design books, which always stand out in the coffee-table crowd. It's not often that you have a chance to buy these snazzy high end tomes at such bargain basement prices, so get crackin'!


CLICK IT, DON'T LICK IT:

Gilt Group Sign up today. It's invitation only, no gatecrashers allowed. Each sale runs for 36 hours with discounts of up to 70% off retail. If you choose overnight shipping and order by 2 pm today, Gilt guarantees that your gift will arrive before Christmas.

Please welcome our latest columnist to The Rural Modernist team: Carol VanderKloot of cvk ink. This childhood chum of mine specializes in media relations and communications for the design community, so she will surely be sharing scoops and insider information long before you read about it anywhere else. As Señora Jaffre would say (we had the same Spanish teacher in middle school), "¡Bienvenidos!"

In the spirit of my attempting to be thrifty, practical, responsible gifts that are surefire THRILLGIVERS... with a hint of luxury and a touch of edginess... I covet the following this holiday:

1. LIGHT UP A ROOM

TBT RIBBON LAMP by ECCO Design Sleek and stylish, the mod lighting device is well suited for reading, working or ambiancing and can bend up or down. And, despite its great looks, the TBT Ribbon Lamp by ECCO Design is eco-friendly to boot with an innovative CCFL (cold cathode fluorescent light) bulb that lasts up to 15,000 hours that can change color temperatures and be dimmed to suit the mood or task. $148 (US)

2. BILLOWING OVER

SYLVIE PILLOWS Charming, whimsical and meticulously made, Sylvie Pillows are anything but cute. Hand made creations combine vintage and limited edition textiles that emulate tasteful 70s vintage wallcovering in colorfast cotton. Perfect for the boudoir or even, gasp, the naugahyde couch or to gift to any tricky wicket! $40-$75

3. MODERN, MINIMAL, MASTERFUL

UNIFORM WARES One can never have enough watches and I'm always in search of the perfect least embellished, modernist wrist option. And here's one that does little more than LOOK great and the Pantone-inspired colors make them the perfect CHOICE for the snittiest of design and architectural snobs. $141

4. DRUNK WITH LOVE

LIVING WITH WINE Wine cellars, bottles of Lafite, tasting rooms and thermo-controlled environments. Sound familiar? If not, no worries, just glance thru Samantha Nestor's recently published tome, LIVING WITH WINE. The book transports us into the private world of wine collectors showing how they store, enjoy and share their prized Bacchus collections. So Napa, Tuscany, Burgundy be damned, save some dough and feel like you've spent a million without leaving the homestead. $75

5. GOING TO THE DOGS...

When all else fails, do the right thing. Want to open your home to a pet in need of love and care, why not adopt a dog or cat through the angelic rescue group, Posh Pets Rescue. Lovely Linda will match you and your temperament to the perfect pet. And, if you can't adopt a pet, she's in need of fosterers to help make pets more social and more adoptable. And, if you can't do either of the above, then please, please opt to make a tax deductible gift to this small but mighty group. No excuses, now, sit and stay!

6. CHIC-y CHEEK

Pristine, bejeweled and dazzling, Orange Howell holiday ornaments evoke memories of Christmases past. Hand crafted and inspired by traditional Americana, these modernist silver pieces are adorned with colorful Swarovski crystals. Plus, each ornament comes boxed in a well chosen orange box and nestled in a flannel sleeve to insure longevity for future generations. $25-$75

7. BLAST from the PAST

Ok..we all have our favorite holiday special that we KNOW word for word that feature bewitching claymation characters. But how about a Rankin Bass movie that you haven't seen? We're going a little off track holiday wise, but I'm in love with 1968's MAD MONSTER PARTY and I bet that you will be too. Boris Karloff and Phyllis Diller star with a cast of creepies that is completed by a groovy soundtrack and coolio and art direction.

8. SNORESVILLE

On your next transatlantic flight, why not snooze in style with a divine Mary Green sleeping mask. I'm particularly partial to this bear model. And, only two bits for this chuckler!

OK...dollar bills be damned...onto our luxury component of the show...

9. USELESS OBJECTS OF BEAUTY

I'm generally NOT a fan of heavy leaded crystal--especially those dreaded items that function only as vessels to collect dust. However, Jaime Hayon's creations for Baccarat elevate crystal refineries to new levels never thought possible. I'm not even going to quote prices, but run, look, and gasp at these heavenly whatnots.

10. PIECE de RESISTANCE

Ok... I leave the best for last and list what, realistically, can not be attained. Robert Isabell, floral and event designer extraordinaire, left behind a legacy of items that are being auctioned off. The NY Times gave a glimpse into this exquisitely curated world that that only legends can create. The spaces go to great lengths in combining modern classics such as Prouve and Perriand with burgeoning soon-to-be coveted Paul Evans with with others. Ok, topping my list for sure is the utterly divine Minetta Lane townhouse--but, since I'm pushing simplicity this year, how about this simple Bertoia sculpture, estimated at 30-50k.

Browse The Collection of Robert Isabell at www.sothebys.com Auction, December 17

I'm digging these Thermos Lamps by Ted Harris. If you're in Chicago, go buy them at Scout (one of my favorite home stores in the Windy City) and tell them that The Rural Modernist sent you.

As editor in chief of The Rural Modernist, I sent out a directive to my crack staff (all two of them) to create a top ten list of things they would like for Christmas. Abbe's list positively vibrates with delectable goodies and Joe's list succeeds in putting the 'mo in modern. After much contemplation, meditation, and prayer, here's mine:

1. A Viola Park kitchen. It's like they took an inventory of my favorite colors, materials and proportions and created a line just for me. Unfortunately, there's absolutely nothing wrong with my current kitchen. Poo.

2. A Pamela Sunday Cumuloid sculpture. I'm gaga for Ms. Sunday's hand built ceramic sculptures inspired by nature and science. The hallmark of good art for me is when I not only want to own it, but caress and fondle it, too. This one, bathed in a delicious high gloss chocolate glaze, makes me weak at the knees and it would look great on my coffee table.

3. The 405 Chaise from Loll Designs. We finally added a deck to the house this year and a few of these graphic chaises made out of reclaimed milk jugs (960 jugs per chaise to be precise) are just what we need to lounge in style next summer.

4. Hans Wegner Circle Chair in black. I absolutely lerve the circular silhouette and hammock-y coziness of this chair. I need one my living room. Now.

5. Raimond Suspension Light from Moooi. It looks like a big spinning atom, and would compliment my Cumuloid perfectly.

6. Sculpture by Paul Evans. If money were no object, then this is the object I would spend it on.

7. Type Coasters from Veer. The graphic design nerd in me needs these laser-etched bamboo type coasters. Baskerville Semibold never looked better.

8. Woodchuck Heavy Duty Wood Hauler. Now that I live in The Catskills, this is the type of stuff that gets me excited. I just bought one of these and it's the bomb. Anyone with a fireplace or wood burning stove knows that lugging logs from the stack into the house is a huge freaking pain (in the lower back, to be specific). Now it's a pleasure.

9. Ectoplasm at the Beauty Salon by Scooter Laforge. I recently got turned on to Scooter's filthy/fun oevre via a disturbing/charming t-shirt of his that Joe was wearing. Of course this painting stands out as a favorite because of the subject matter: the classic scene in which Bugs Bunny pretends to be a beautician. "If an INteresting monster can't have an INteresting hairdo... Bobby pin, please."

10. My own Rural Modernist pottery studio/art gallery/greeting card emporium/pie shop. This is only my artist's conception, but if I can dream it I can do it. Susan Boyle told me so.

Ho, ho, ho….Who you calling a whore?

Merry fucking Xmas and Happy Hanukkah to my fellow Chosen People! ‘Tis the season for my Top 10 List of Stuff I really really really want this holiday, orders of Editorial Empress Jason. So here goes:

1. Another 14-inch All-Clad fry pan. Yes, I have one already and Jesus Fucking Christ, does it rattle and clang against the other beauties in the drawer but the bottom line is that cooking for a crowd is easier with a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig pan and this one is the best. And, I’m having a latke party in a few weeks and with 2 of these bad girls on da stove, I will be in potato pancake heaven.

2. BIG JEWELRY. Enough said. Maybe this necklace from Kirna Zabete. Note to Jason: OK, it’s not food or a sex toy but dammit, I want it and it’s my list, right?

3. OXO mixing bowls with spout pours and weighted bottoms. Of course, my bottom is weighted too this time of year, but I used my last set to death and now am coveting another. Don’t underestimate a weighted bottom – keeps whatever you’ve got in the bowls from skittering all over the counter!

4. Why isn’t OXO blowing me? Another goodie…the OXO expandable colander. I have a huuuuuuuuuuge sink and none of the others are big enough. This one looks like it can satisfy even a size queen like me!

5. JimmyJane Form II. One of the cutest lil’ vibrators I’ve ever seen and super small for travel, because I am sure my girlfriend H. is taking me on a deluxe surprise vacation away from the kids and kitchen and I want to pack light…

6. Ina (horrible name – reminds of how we used to rhyme Orangina with “vagina” whenever we ordered it to see if we could make the waiter squirm, but then again, didn’t EVERYONE do that?) G-spot and clit action vibrator because, let’s face it, I am taking that deluxe surprise vacation myself, as someone has to stay home with the damn kids and the dog and with dual action like this, I won’t be bored!

7. Votivo teak candles. I love this scent. I love it in any room in the house, including the kitchen where you don’t want anything too overpowering. Not too pussy, not to masculine, just DELISH! And I’m almost out of my stash so I need to stock up.

8. Anything from Meduriworlddelights.com. And I mean, anything. I always get so excited when the NYTimes does its mail-order food article each year – the one where some lucky editor gets to send away for butter cookies from Ireland, etc. EVERY FUCKING YEAR, someone waxes poetic about the dried fruits from Meduri. So I want some, pronto! It all looks gorgeous and I will make the Jeweled Rice recipe that Martha Frankel gave me and everyone will go berserk.

9. Savory Baking, new cookbook. I’m more of a salty person, and the only thing that would make me happier is if they gave away an Ina with every copy!

10. Lucky Chocolates. Preferably, the salted caramel pecan Turtles that are obscenely huge and really meant to share but I usually find a way to snarf down a whole one and then wander around slightly nauseous all day. And owner Rae Stang just opened her new, larger shop in Saugerties, so stop by and tell her Abbe sent you because then I can really suck up to Rae and get lots of freebies. When my now-10-year-old son was a baby, his face would light up and he’d say “Chocits!” whenever he got a taste. Fucking adorable and flush with pleasure. That’s how I get about Lucky’s (especially the adorable part.)

So, Dearest Ones, enjoy enjoy enjoy! As Santa likes to say to the good little children, “Merry Christmas to all and you can get your silly neurotic asses back in the gym and toss the elastic waist pants after January 1^st."

I thought of this assignment as the adult design-addict's equivalent to searching through those phone-book thick catalogs when we were kids tin order to make our "wish list". You start by making an overwhelming list of things you would just love to have but would never buy for yourself. And, as it was when I was a kid, the list was long, greedy and exhausting.

But all of these things are not just "wants" - they are "needs". I need these to live the aesthetically pleasing life I was born to have. As a design professional, I certainly can't inspire people to make their own homes and environments beautiful and better if I can't have a space that inspires me! It's a justifiable business expense, I suppose.

After much deliberation, I have narrowed the list to these. Here are the 10 items that I simply MUST have from the world of modern home decor. No wrapping necessary.

1. The Zeta Fireplace. This is a gorgeous functional piece of art; a delicious marriage of leather, glass, bent plywood and stainless steel. This is an eco-friendly standalone, ventless fireplace that looks like it could be from the Jetsons' house, but truly would look better in mine. It comes in several colors of leather upholstery (I'd like the white, please!). Get yours (and mine) at Ecosmartfire, for around $10,000.

2. Boats. This collection of 33 "boats" is really a multi-piece sculpture made from reclaimed and recycled wooden bowls that have been shaped into a fleet fit for your walls. Vertical, horizontal - whatever! Available at Mixture Home; $2,000 for the set.

3. Luxury in Lavender. My favorite wallpaper designers - Flavor Paper - have outdone themselves with this modern take on 70s foil papers. It's called luxury for a reason - there are graphic depictions of diamonds, private planes, glamorous cars, etc, all wrapped in a creamy melange of purply ribbons with a hint of gold. This paper begs to be on a large wall in an otherwise stark white room, and appreciated up close. Available in other colors, but since it;s what I want, i want this color! $150-$350 per roll, here.

4. Loyal Loot's Log Bowls. Oh dear G*d, I want every size and every color! These bowls, in various sizes and shapes, are made from actual logs that have been filled with glossy, gorgeous color. Texture, color and function? I'm wet! Prices run from $90 to $238 at Storefront and Studio.

5. Smarties Rug. J'adore this rug! A white rug covered in fluffy dots of color - just like that tasteless candy that came on receipt paper!!! It's colorful, yet it's neutral. It goes with everything. It's sooo soft and delicious, it's high quality and it's simply a must have for any floor in almost any room. From $550 to $3850 based on size, at Floor Section.

6. Bourgie Lamp. For full disclosure, I already have this lamp, in crystal clear. However, since it is one of my favorite possessions, I MUST have the newest color in this stunning lamp line from Kartell. This is an opaque white with a glossy gold interior on the lampshade! Glam!!! How fan-fucking-tastic would that be with the above #3 wallpaper???? $460 for this color combo, less for others in the line. From Lumens.

7. Grasshopper Chair. This is a limited edition re-release of a 1967 chaise that became a design favorite. It's covered in white canvas over a chrome frame, and the cushions are white leather. And yes, I see it in front of the wallpapered wall, with the lamp nearby. I just do. Price available on request, from Suite NY.

8. Barcelona Wall Mount Bench. This is a bent maple wood bench that would look amazing mounted in a wall in an entryway - especially an apartment entry or a narrow hallway. Or in a small kitchen with a table. Or in a dressing area. Or in a bathroom. Or, .... well, you get the point. Limitless possibilities. It is also an eco-friendly piece! $1,975 at Vivavi.

9. Vitsoe Wall System. I love options. And this is THE ultimate in limitless options. The Vitsoe Universal Shelving System is the answer to any shelf need you could possibly have, now or in the future. It's infinitely flexible for your current needs, can be reconfigured if your needs change, and can be taken with you if you move to a new place. Doors, drawers, desktops, etc. Mix and match. Priced by configuration, exclusively through Moss.

10. TV Easel. Oh how I need this! The TV Easel by Alex Bjurstrom is such a great idea that you wonder what the hell took so long! The design mimics the traditional painter's easel in form and function - it is adjustable in both height and angle. It also will display TVs up to 47". It's a great solution for renters who can't burrow into the walls to bury wires, or for those that don't like clunky furniture to put your TV upon. Through the designer's site only as of now.

This new website is sure to steam your chunky black glasses and make your Macbook Airs weep with joy, graphic designers. Check out the Display Graphic Design Collection, a wonderful new curated smorgasbord of graphic design books, periodicals, advertisements and ephemera. It's like taking your eyeballs on a magical and inspiring trip to the graphic design buffet. You can eat all you want and you never get fat, now where else can you go for a meal like that? Yeah, Madonna posed that loaded question about a different kind of eating out way back in the moldy old 90's, but this visual feast will keep all of you design geeks figuratively fat and happy (and you won't even have to loosen your belt).

I know it seems like I'm always flogging these online sample sale sites, but when you live in the woods like I do, this is how shopping is done. I've used them all, and here is my take on three of the biggest and best:

Gilt Groupe: Your cool best friend who lives in the city who always looks effortlessly hip and is plugged in to the latest home and fashion trends, but isn't an asshole about it.

TRM Pick of the Day: Graphic Image’s luscious leather wallets, passport holders and clutches are treats for the travel-weary. Invest in lollipop-hued luggage tags for your suitcase, or keep your last vacation in sight longer with a croc-embossed frame. With any of these bold accessories along for the ride, travel need never be tiresome again. Sign up here.

One Kings Lane: Your mom's cool best friend who lives in an upscale suburb and has a tastefully appointed home with lot's of scented candles, red coral accessories, topiaries, and is probably secretly banging the poolboy on the side.

TRM Pick of the Day: Moleskine notebooks. You'd recognize them anywhere — the classic little planners and notebooks with rounded corners, bookmarks and elastic closures. Used by artists and thinkers such as Vincent van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Ernest Hemingway, and Bruce Chatwin. In fact, these trusted and handy travel companions held the sketches, notes, stories, and ideas that defined their owners. Sign up here.

Hautelook: Your tacky cousin who wears too much mascara who just loves getting down and dirty in the bargain bins at Filene's Basement or Stein Mart.

TRM Pick of the Day: It was tough sifting through all of the crap, but some of these kitchen doodads from Kalorik (who the fuck are they?) didn't look too horrible. Sign up here.

It's been a phenomenal year for my pals at Big Gay Ice Cream Truck. The logo I designed for them has graced ice cream trucks, t-shirts, hats, and oven mitts (just kidding about the last one, but why not?). My hands down favorite iteration EVER has to be this incredibly charming 3-D crocheted version by the craftastic BGICT groupie Alicia Kachmar. There's a handy loop at the top so you can hang it from any protuberance you care to from Christmas tree boughs to, well, whatever. Even better, this yummy cone never melts. Just don't lick it too much; it's a bitch getting that yarn lint off of your tongue.

Buy one (or a dozen) at Eternal Sunshine's Etsy Shop today!

I'm a huge fan of Gilt Groupe and it just keeps getting better. There's still a great selection of beautifully designed Tivoli Audio equipment on sale right now. I've had my original radio for over ten years and it still sounds great, and more importantly, it's beautiful to look at when I take my morning dump. I just bought the one pictured above from Gilt Groupe on sale for $749 ($999 retail) which will serve as our stereo/home theater system after I run the tv audio through it. It may look retro on the outside (it's made of wood!) but this hi-fi is high-tech on the inside. Radio heads should tune into the Model Three for $199 ($299 retail), the SongBook for $98 ($199 retail) or the iSongBook for $198 ($399 retail), which has an iPod docking station. Homina, homina, homina....

CLICK IT, DON'T LICK IT:

Gilt Group Sign up today (it's free). It's invitation only, no gatecrashers allowed. Each sale runs for 36 hours with discounts of up to 70% off retail. Oh, yeah.

Today I’m completely focused on eggs – poached eggs, which I love and adore and consider to be one of the best comfort foods as well as the perfect food accessory for other dishes (like what?….hmmm….sort of like when Joan on “Mad Men” wears a broach and on one hand, you think, “Well, she’s already got on earrings and a necklace so why add the broach?” but then you realize, damn, it’s too much in the best possible way. That’s how poached eggs work as eggsexsories. More on that in a minute.)

Now, poached eggs are perfectly palatable when you freebase them and just crack ‘em open in the boiling water and let ‘em go. But for me, as I watch them cook away, swirling in the open water, it always reminds of jizz, which then reminds me of that horrid sex scene in “Show Girls” when Kyle MacG And Elizabeth Thing are fucking in his pool, with the pink neon palm trees in the background (not to go off on too many tangents, but of course that makes me think that all of the foundation Kyle’s wearing in that movie will surely come off in the water and then what? But I digress.

So while poached eggs cooked directly in boiling water isn’t bad, there IS a better way to cook them, and that would be: egg poaching pods!

I got my most recent pair from Crate & Barrel.


Here’s why they are great. First, they are silicone, and I am very partial to all things rubber. I love the flexibility of them and they also clean up nicely in the douchewasher.  Second, by using them to poach eggs, you get all of that nice egg white which otherwise would jizz away in the water and Third, since the pod cradles the egg when you are done poaching, you can pour off any excess liquid, because who like watery eggs?

Here are my tips for great pod-poached eggs over toast (so basic but sooooo good) and then I’m giving you a link for the HAND’S DOWN best recipe to incorporate poached eggs into an asparagus side dish, from Momofuku in Manhattan. 

Basics:

• When poaching eggs, TAKE THE DAMN BUTTER AND ANY OTHER CONDIMENTS NEEDED OUT OF THE FRIDGE FIRST AND LET THEM COME TO ROOM TEMP! I like my poached eggs over buttered toast with hot sauce on top and let me tell you, nothing throws cold water on my boner like cold butter or cold hot sauce. Room temp, people! So that means, take out those condiments (or whatever turns you on) about ½ hour in advance. 
• Lube up the pods with a little olive oil or even that gross Pam shit. It makes the eggs slide off the pods easier.
• The literature that comes with the pods says to cook for about 4 minutes. That’s about 2 minute too long for me. My rule of thumb is to start poaching in the pods when I hit “toast” on the toaster. When my toast is ready, so are my eggs.

Now, prepare yourself because this recipe for Roasted Asparagus with Poached Eggs and Miso Butter is so good, you will moan with pleasure. You will. NO ONE I’ve ever served this dish has been able to resist it. And most people stick a piece of baguette or a slice of steak or their fucking finger right into the miso butter to sop up all the yumminess and the key factor to this asparagus nirvana is, in fact, the poached eggs. The recipe calls for 2 poached eggs on top of the asparagus and I always make 3 or 4 but then again, I’m a dirty whore who just can’t get enough. 

Next stop: “You promised you wouldn’t come in my mouth” and other sticky stories…non-stick pans, the REAL deal!

Abbe is our new Food and Gadgetry columnist. She's got a mouth like a sailor and knows her way around a kitchen.

I get all tingly (down there) whenever I discover local artisans that are capable of merging natural materials and a contemporary aesthetic (I am The Rural Modernist after all) and these cool stools totally fit the bill. Kieran Kinsella is an artist based up here in the sticks like me who really knows his way around a stump. Swing by Kieran Woodworks and check out his wood.

My ear holes are totally digging the falsetto, galloping drum beat, and dreamy guitars on the new single by The Temper Trap. Not so careful analysis reveals a sprinkle of New Order (Temptation), a tablespoon of Ride (Vapor Trail), and a pinch of Kings of Leon (the oh, oh, oh chorus from Use Somebody). Freshen up that stale iPod and download Sweet Disposition while it's hot.
VIA APJ

I've made no secret of the fact that I have a major boner for David Weeks Studio. Gird your loins kids, because his annual sample sale is right around the corner. He's throwing the doors wide open to the unwashed masses to peruse his ultra modern chandeliers, standing lamps, sconces, desk lamps, one of a kind tchotchkes, and so much more. And don't bother bringing plastic, this party is cash or check only. Hit it.

Friday, Dec 4th from 12 - 6 pm

Saturday, Dec 5th from 12 -6 pm

(Saturday: call number below for entry to building)

David Weeks Studio

68 Jay Street No. 612A

Brooklyn, NY 11201

718 596 7945

By Subway: F Train to York Street in DUMBO, A Train to High Street

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I am completely thrilled to be the new flavor of the week on The Rural Modernist – I feel like a special guest drop-in on Match Game or maybe I just want to be Brett Somers to Jason’s Charles Nelson Reilly.

So….sexed up cooking or cooked up sex. All related in my mind. I came to cooking later in the game. My ex-husband of many years was a good, even a great cook (although he never salted anything enough and don’t even get me started about the time he made the pasta with homemade veal sauce. DE-FUCKING-LISH and we all howled with pleasure and then he never made it again, no matter how much I begged). And I was a fabulous hostess, so we were a good team.

Jump ahead 16 years. Happily divorced and living upstate with my girlfriend in what was my vacation house. Here’s a bit of background for those of you outside the New York metro area: NO ETHNIC FOOD DELIVERY; barely any take out. Burmese at 1 a.m.? Ha ha. You wanna eat it, you gotta cook it. So I began. And dammit, I’m a great fucking cook.

My kitchen was pretty well stocked courtesy of the ex-, but as I’ve expanded my repertoire, I’ve added many new toys in to the mix. Cue Jason: “Hey Abbe, write a fun and ribald food post for me.” Food and sex are two of my very favorite things and if I’m not doing one, I’m thinking about the other. Away we go!

The Bamix Deluxe White 39120 Hand Mixer

(the Hitachi Magic Wand of kitchen tools)

Let me give credit where credit is due. My lovely girlfriend H. said to me, as I was about to hit “click” on the Cuisinart hand blender, “There’s a Swiss blender that is supposed to be the best.” Kitchengadgetry.com had it in stock, I placed the order and sort of forgot about it (unless I was making whipped cream. Then I said, “For fuck’s sake, when is that goddamn thing going to arrive?!”

It came last week – holy mother of God, was it worth the $140!

First, it really is about the size of large vibrator and much much MUCH more quiet! Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about because I KNOW that you do! It has teensy teensy tiny itsey attachments (3) that whip, puree, blend, mix the shit out of everything – cake batters, soups, creams, dough. And it comes with a chopping bowl for doing nuts and herbs. I haven’t used that yet because I sort of prefer the handjob method for nuts and herbs. I love it so much that I’m even considering a permanent mounting (a perfect word) for it on the wall in my prep area over the kitchen counter. That’s how much I love it. I’m seeking out things to whip, puree, blend, mix!

I’m going to give you my latest and greatest recipe with it – Thai-Spiced Pork Tenderloin with Orange Curry Sauce. It's a recipe that I would otherwise NEVER make because it calls for you to puree and then strain the sauce – two steps for just the sauce – nevermind the marinade. But the recipe looked totally yummy and we all have a boner for any Thai-style cooking we can get here in the boonies.

I made the marinade for the pork and left Miss Tenderloin to lounge around in the baggie of marinade overnight so she was extra tasty! Use a baggie, not a baking dish. A baggie allows the marinade to really cover the meat and you can roll it up and keep it in the corner of the fridge for up to 2 days if you want to get really really good and marinaded!

Then, I made the sauce up to the Puree part – at that point, I just pulled the pot off of the stove, cooled it down and used my Bamix to blend the whole thing. No straining and the Bamix pureed the sauce to such a fine and gorgeous consistency that it was thick and juicy enough without adding the butter (which of course I did anyway because why would you want to skip the butter?)

We ate it last night. I served it over basmati rice with sesame oil sautéed suger snap peas, with black sesames on top for good measure. Fucking tasty tasty tasty!

Now, back to the Hitachi Magic Wand. I think it’s called the Cadillac of vibrators and whomever named it knows of what they speak. But it has a cord, which is a bummer if you want to, how you say, travel with it. You know, sometimes a girl likes to move around a lil’ bit. So, I’m recommending the Acuvibe CORDLESS vibrator. Truly the last word!

OK, kids, let me know you make out – in pork and getting porked.

Next time – silicon egg poachers make great pasties….